The joy of independence

This year marks my 10th year as a totally independent guy. Quite late, I know. I only got out of my comfort zone, which was my parents’ home back in the province, at age 26. This I did after a long day-to-day contemplation regarding the struggles I had in such a conventional, narrow-minded community and, worse, in an old-school home environment run by no less than my father.

I finished school at the age of 19 and started working plainly a month after graduation. Unfortunate as it was, my first employment was in that state university where my parents were key people. So instead of employment liberating me, it even required me to readjust to an environment where I had to see my Dad’s face everyday (I used to be half-independent during college; I was away from home).

The 6 years of stay in my parents’ home, I can say, was really more of pain than glory. I was with a father who thought he could control everything, even my thinking, and with a mother who was luckily in my line of thinking and in the same boat with me but, unfortunately, could not do anything, and who just gave her support (emotional, financial, etc) to me UNDER THE TABLE (literally).

But the fighter that I was, I still managed to survive in that house. Within those years, I let my Dad realize that having me at home as a “grown-up working professional” and having me before “as a kid” were two entirely different things. There was constant action and drama, PLUS ENDLESS ACCUSATIONS OF DISRESPECT, but I didn’t damn care, and at the time I left, I could say I had taught him half the lesson.

Still I left, because I got fed up trying to plant in an old-school mind even just the smallest seeds of RESPECT – for one’s existence, for one’s space, and worse, for letting live. Worst reason — the house all of us were staying in was actually company property; anybody who worked there was entitled to rent it. Simply put, the three of us had EQUAL RIGHTS to live in that house because we were all employed there. So what made my dad think it was HIS home? And what made him behave as if he was “KING” and my mom and I were his “SUBJECTS,” when all three of us were equally contributing to the household expenses and, left alone by himself, he could not even afford to sustain us? Just what gave him that stupid sense of ENTITLEMENT?

The ultimate solution: LEAVE! And so I did.

Going back, honestly, this thing about old-school mentality is very difficult to explain. Although it may be known to anybody, I am not also sure if everybody hates it. Oh well, I’m quite sure I hate it, and I curse it on top of my lungs. Yes, I am willing to shout out all curses I know when this topic comes up, as I really DESPISE such way of thinking.

In as much as I hated my dad for it, the same was also true with my aunt in the USA who considers me no less than her own child (that’s according to her). She is somebody who thinks even WORSE, and this is because of her fanaticism of that rotten catholic religion. She would impose a regimented life on anybody who stays in her house — fixed time for six meals a day, definite days and time for those stupid mass services, and worst of all, going to CONFESSION – WTF, DO NOT IMPOSE THAT ON ME OR HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE, idiot!. Call me names — evil, disrespectful, impolite, liberated, whore, bitch — the hell I care.

Where do these people get the nerve TO CONTROL MY LIFE WHENEVER I AM IN THEIR HOMES? Don’t they realize that it only pisses me off all the more and everything IS TO THEIR DISADVANTAGE? Is it really too difficult to realize (moreso, RESPECT) that this certain person is OLD ENOUGH, is LEADING A GOOD LIFE, has PROVEN HIS WORTH, and has FULL CAPACITY TO BE SUSTAINING HIMSELF? After all, I never lacked in concern for these people and in extending necessary help, need be! Why treat a grown-up professional, who has his own thinking, as a STUPID OR DUMB KID? Do THESE PEOPLE really ITCH TO EXERCISE FALSE AUTHORITY, and virtually DIE if they cannot? Is it really very difficult to differentiate between when you can be in control and when you should respect that this person HAS A LIFE?

Difficult as it is to burn ass everyday to sustain your daily needs and your “decent” lifestyle, the joy comes with seeing yourself NOT DEPENDING ON ANYBODY. Now that was why I chose to be independent and to live in the metropolis. The fulfillment is there; it is living my life without nobody watching — if i feel like going out, staying home, eating only twice a day, not having dinner, not having breakfast, eating six times a day, working graveyard shift today, working day shift tomorrow, going home in the morning today, going home in the evening the next day, not sleeping today, sleeping off my whole free day, sleeping at daytime, sleeping in someone else’s house, drinking at a friend’s house, fucking my guy in my house, or fucking anyone anywhere, I CAN DO IT.

After all (thanks to Mom), I am educated (and oh, thanks to that 6-year work experience back home, no matter how full of shit) and experienced enough to EARN MY OWN BREAD and to LIVE MY OWN LIFE. So why fuck’n subject myself to some OLD-SCHOOL WAY OF LIFE and to some FALSE AUTHORITY?

I HATE AUTHORITY. Especially FALSE AUTHORITY. I don’t need it, and I’m too SMART for it. The approach NEVER WORKS FOR ME, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE. I can be completely independent and a nonconformist to EVERYTHING — religion, familism, politics, value systems, cultures, etc. Hence, I will do what i want to do, according to what I BELIEVE is right (i mean, it may not be right for those conventional, old-school, dumb and stupid fanatics and/or idiots, but who fuck’n cares?). I’m old enough to know what is right, and I believe I’m learned, exposed, and SMART enough to practice it and to manage my life to my comfort and taste. Lest I forget, I’m GAY and proud of it, so I always say, IF OLD-SCHOOL THINKING SPELLS MASCULINITY, then by all means, LET ME BE GAY!

I DON’T NEED ANYBODY TO FINANCE ME TO LIVE and, thus, be held in the neck and pulled by the tail. I can do it myself. I can pay for my own home, food, and luxury. Should I get in DEEP SHIT, these people DO NOT NEED TO KNOW. I can get out of that SHIT myself. I CAN LIVE. My life can be simple, but happy and FREE.

So JUST LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MY BIG FAT ASS AND LET ME GET A LIFE!!!

I WILL NOT ALLOW ANYBODY NOR ANYTHING TO TAKE MY INDEPENDENCE AWAY FROM ME. I’LL WORK FOR IT, FIGHT FOR IT, and KILL FOR IT!

FUCK ’em ALL. FUCK THE BIBLE, FUCK OLD SCHOOL!

HAIL SATAN!!!

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A grim reflection during one village drive

one beautiful Saturday, i took extra time to drive around my village to appreciate big, beautiful houses and to snoop around for some houses and lots for sale. out of nowhere, my eyes happened to spot on this newly renovated house [which was not for sale], made in today’s modern Mediterranean-inspired architecture, but the traces of an old structure still surfaced despite the renovation.

looking at the house, i also noticed some fully grown and aged ornamental flowering trees planted around the compound, which reminded me of the smell of the Kalachuchi trees planted all around our ancestral home [which today is reduced to ruins], where i grew up. i could not help but reminisce my pleasant childhood days spent in that house; but on the contrary, i was starting to shiver at the flash of an instant thought that old houses come with an old-school family that exercises false authority, with younger generations practically BOWING and KISSING THE ASSES of their silly elders.

Grrr!!! I HATE AUTHORITY! it is the number one thing i abhor, and people who exercise authority on me are number one in my criminal hitlist. to this day, i am constantly on guard against people who want to HOLD ME BY THE NECK and PULL ME BY THE TAIL. no matter who they are, I WILL NEVER LET THEM. should they force themselves into me, I WILL KILL THEM.

i don’t know why. must i be an old soul, who occupied some authoritative post in my past life? or was i too subservient and a victim of power trippers then?

i grew up in a conservatively catholic family [too bad], and as early as in my childhood days, i was already mindful of authoritarians — my father as well as all other elders: aunts, uncles [spare my mother and my grandparents for they did love me too much], teachers, etc. — who imposed their “power” upon me and my cousins. as a child with a mind limited to candy and toy issues, i let them be and accepted the fact that they were “big.” yes, powerless as i was, what could i do but just accept the beatups, hard hits, and physical injury coming from grown-up people and just wallow in pain with all the wounds and bruises?

physically abused i was, yes; but the good thing, as early as my toddler days, i already had this full tendency to fight for my rights and to pursue arguments to the bitter end, and that made me that “little bitch” who was condemned at school because i did talk back to my DUMB teachers and did not spare any of them and their stupidity. little as i was, i did not also spare my dad as well as the rest of my folks from those “talk-backs” because as early as then, i knew when i was on the right foot and when i was not [oh yeah, even as a child, i was VERY righteous and logical, and i knew i was thinking straight]. all this gives me reason to believe all the more that i am indeed an old soul.

as i grew up to be a teenager, little by little, i developed COMPLETE REPUGNANCE and hostility toward all these power trippers, my father topping the charts. my hatred for my dad was what drove me to do my best at school and to promise myself that someday, i will be a fully grown professional, and i will get back at all these people; after all, they say, “hate sustains man.” this, together with Edgar Allan Poe’s “the cask of amontillado,” motivated all my struggles to be the person i wanted to become.

and indeed, the days of glory came. i metamorphosed into a fully grown professional, developed a sane and reasonable intellectual mind, and got totally independent to the point of fully sustaining myself in a decent lifestyle. however, until now, a lot of questions regarding “authority” and “power tripping” still ring in my mind.

firstly, is all this a “king-subject” issue? my Mom used to tell me that “you have to be king of your own domain to be free,” as i did long for freedom at a very early point. i get to ask, WHY? why do i have to be king? can’t i just COEXIST with people who can respect my privacy and individuality? for hell’s sake, we’re NOT a flock of goats or sheep here where one bigger animal has to rule! we’re human beings with sane minds!

He who establishes his argument by noise and command shows that his reason is weak. – Michel de Montaigne (French Philosopher and Writer. 1533–1592)

blame it on the NARROW-MINDEDNESS of the Filipino culture. this value of “paggalang” [respect a.k.a. kiss-ass] has been overemphasized, to the extent of allowing power trip. to what extent does it have to be practiced? is it to the extent of submitting to FALSE AUTHORITY? is it to the extent of submitting to FOOLISH IDEAS just because these came from some OLDER person or a person higher in rank? i think the word “respect” has to be utterly redefined. if you look up the meaning of this term in a deeper context, it never means “submission” to any false and senseless authority. it is just unfortunate that the definition of this term has gone to really ridiculous extents, as to how i hear it from the “old-school” people in my family [e.g., talking back, defying orders (no matter how stupid), and questioning the decision of some elderly even if it affects the welfare of the whole family ARE ALL A CRIME (hell no!)].

secondly, this fourth of the christian god’s 10 commandments to HONOR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER. this commandment came from the old testament, which has been horrendously interpreted by thick-skulled church authorities over the decades. yes, respecting one’s parents may be noble. our parents labored to make us whole [oh well yes, for those responsible parents, Satan forsake those who entered parenthood but did not fulfill parental obligations]. however, in cases when our parents exercise glaring stupidity, it is also our responsibility as their children to call their attention and to tell them they are WRONG. whoever says that this DENSELY INTERPRETED commandment should encompass other members of the family (e.g., brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, older cousins), DUMB teachers and school authorities, and people at work who are higher in rank but showcase a gallery of jerky management practices? who says this all? it is the pathetic OLD-SCHOOL FILIPINO, who was influenced by selfish and cruel SPANISH FRIARS who colonized the Filipinos using that stupid cross.

Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth. – Albert Einstein

it is ultimately wrong to instill in a child’s mind that asserting himself, fighting for his rights, and protecting himself from cruelty and abuse ARE AGAINST THE LAWS OF GOD AND SOCIETY. it is wrong to make him feel “HE IS BAD” (moreso, disrespectful) just because he answers back in all rationality. most importantly, it is wrong to teach him that OLDER PEOPLE CAN SAY AND DO WHAT THEY WANT because this will make him join the cohort of a million stupid power trippers when he grows up and, thus, foster DAMAGE to the generation next to him.

it gives me the CREEPS to think about how the older generation thinks when it comes to authority and power. wondering about the ins and outs of that pathetic state of mind sends me shivers down my spine. gosh, HOW COULD THEY? and where has the real meaning of RESPECT gone? RESPECT IS EARNED. it is not something imposed, it is not something taught, and it is not something gained from physical assault or punishment. IT IS EARNED WHEN IT IS GIVEN. and once it is mutually given, PRODUCTIVITY and HARMONY, in all aspects, take good place, and there is no more need for false authority and power tripping.

And there i was, instead of feeling good about that drive, in an instant, i found myself heading straight home and telling myself, I’D RATHER NOT HAVE A BIG, BEAUTIFUL HOUSE for as long as i am free.

Born with a hatred for authority

I grew up in an environment of extreme, unreasonable authority. I grew up under an unjustifiably authoritarian rule. I grew up with an unreasonably authoritative father.

Contrary to the expectation that I would imbibe such stupid value and practice it myself, the exact opposite encompassed my personality. I HATE AUTHORITY. I learned to abhor it, I learned to curse it, I learned to despise it.

I HATE AUTHORITY. Be it in the office, in the home, in a relationship, and worst all in RELIGION.

I DO NOT BELIEVE IN AUTHORITY. First, I’m TOO SMART to subject myself to it. Secondly, it’s counter-productive [work] and counter-fruitive [love and relationships] if i exercise it. Thirdly, I don’t believe it is the right tool to achieve order and balance in a group or in society as a whole. Lastly, it’s plainly BULLSHIT. We’re done with patriarchal rule. We’ve bid goodbye to that, long ago.

So how do I maintain order? My home is a perfect example, a home on which I invested tears and blood just to establish. Right now, I have my Mother and my partner with me. Done with eliminating the authoritative swine dad. I pay for everything in that home, so apparently, it is but JUST that I should rule. There is a THRONE which everybody SET at will for me to SIT ON and rule.

However, I AM NOT DOING IT. I choose to ELIMINATE that THRONE. We all set rules, WE THREE AGREE ON THEM, and WE THREE follow them. When one ceases to follow any of these rules, that is when CHAOS will begin. Fortunately, there is peace, there is order, and there is BALANCE in this setup, so ANYBODY who we allow to set foot on my home SHOULD FOLLOW THE SET RULES to avoid chaos. I MYSELF FOLLOW THESE RULES.

So WHO SAYS ONE SINGLE PERSON SHOULD RULE?

The key to it all: RESPECT. Where one is happy, LET HIM be. SUBMISSION IS NOT RESPECT. With an authoritarian rule, there may be balance, there may be order, but there can’t be any form of happiness and peace — just PLAIN SILENCE but with DEEP unspoken RESENTMENT, PLAIN STILLNESS brought about by STUPID SUBMISSION to UNREASONABLE and FALSE AUTHORITY.

I HATE AUTHORITY.