Four Old Sayings About Family That Are (Sometimes) B.S.

by John Cheese; from CRACKED

Everything you know and have comes from your family. Even if you could somehow forget that fact, society continually hammers you with the idea that there are no limits to how much shit you should have to put up with when it comes to your blood relatives.

I disagree.

Growing up, you are in the most frightening, vulnerable position of your life, and I’m not just talking about relying on mom to throw some corndogs in the oven, or dad to show you which porn sites won’t fuck up your computer. Because of my own abnormal upbringing, I believed for the longest time that my views on family were skewed — influenced in a negative direction as a result of a lifetime of fear. It wasn’t until I started writing for Cracked and collecting emails from readers expressing the same viewpoints that I realized I wasn’t unique in disagreeing with statements like …

4. “You Have to Help Him, He’s Your Father!” (or Mother, etc.)

Why We Say It:

You owe your parents everything. Without them, your entire existence would have been abbreviated to a latex reservoir tip swatting that shit out of the air like an NBA center. They put food on the table and a roof over your head, and by God, the least you can do is be there for them in return.

As adults, we expect the same from our own kids — a return on our investment. And that’s a perfectly logical, reasonable request, isn’t it? “I helped you, now you help me.” At some point, every parent does it, and we enforce that with one phrase that means two completely different things, depending on the recipient’s age: “I’m your father!”

As a child, it’s a demand. “You will mow the lawn because I’m your father, and you will damn well do what I tell you. Now you get out there before I clothe you with snakes!”

As an adult, that meaning loses its weight because they no longer make the rules. That’s when the phrase becomes a plea. “Can I borrow 20 bucks for some crack? Come on, man, I’m your father. You know how you made it to this age without dying? That was me who did that!”

When It’s Bullshit:

Right now, I have no fewer than two dozen messages in my inbox from readers asking me what to do in their seemingly unique situation. One or both of their parents are addicts, or habitual criminals, or general fuckups. The kids are taking care of themselves. They watch these grown-ass adults wrecking the entire family with stress about bills, borrowing money from anyone they can to keep the lights on while feeding hundreds of dollars per month into their vices. Every time the parents attempt to clean up their act, they fall right back into the same destructive cycle within weeks. The kids are essentially on their own. You know, normal family problems. We’ve all been there.

And here’s the thing — the whole “broken childhood” bit doesn’t end at childhood. There are people who will spend 40 consecutive years with this bullshit from their parents, knowing that their own kids won’t have the sitcom Grandma and Grandpa that’s always waiting with a hug and a turkey at Thanksgiving. These are the parents who are always borrowing, or begging, or making demands. They’re constantly needing to be bailed out like teenagers, or roping you into petty family disputes (“Your Uncle Steve has been talking shit about your mom again. Now be a good son and go slash his fucking tires”).

But … “I have to be there for them because they’re my parents, right?”

If you take nothing else from this article, please make it this: Childhood is not a bill that you have to pay for later. Parenting is not charity, or a loan — it is a requirement for those who took on the job, whether they meant to or not. When you become a parent yourself, you will be required to do it as well, without thanks or compensation. In fact, in the first year, you will often get shit on and stomped in the genitals.

Do you owe it to your own parents to be supportive? To try to help them break destructive habits? Of course. But not at the risk of your own health and emotional well being. For the first 20 years of your life, you are being trained to be a caregiver. At no point in that time should you be required to be one yourself. That’s not your job. Your job is to learn and grow.

Again, I’m not saying that if your mom is wheelchair-bound and needs help painting the house that you shove a finger in her face and say “I got my own problems, whore!” I’m talking about people who are outside your power to help unless you make it your full-time job. You can’t fix their addictions, or depression, or stupidity, or chronic need to constantly be in some kind of dramatic crisis. I think there’s a point where you’re allowed to let that shit go to voice mail.

3. “You Have to Stick Up for Them, No Matter What!”

Why We Say It:

You and your sister go out for a few drinks when her ex-boyfriend enters the bar. As soon as he sees her, he makes a beeline over to her and starts yelling right there in public for no reason. Everyone in the place is staring. She’s obviously getting upset and pretty damn embarrassed. So, being the logical protector that you are, you reach into your trench coat and pull out your morning star … it has “Conversation Ender” stenciled on the handle.

What their fight was about makes little difference because, of those two people, you are close to only one of them. Growing up with your sister, you know the intricacies of her personality … the personal trials and hardships she went through that dictate how she reacts to conflict and stress. You know why she’s crying, and you know how to make it stop because you know her.

The ex-boyfriend is just some walking penis with a popped collar and too much cologne.

When it comes to family members, we tend to throw out our sense of logic and impartial deduction because we’re personally connected to them. We judge the situation with no need of a trial, evidence or testimony because we know our sister and “she would never do anything to hurt anyone.” Well, aside from the time she tried to stab you, but to be fair, you did take her doll while standing in your knife display room.

When It’s Bullshit:

Later, you have an hour to kill while they clean off the chunks of hair and skin at the morning star cleaning shop. Your sister tells you that the reason her ex was so pissed is because she cheated on him. And he keeps asking for his CDs back, but she hasn’t gotten around to it. And every morning, she makes a special trip to his house to pack her shit into his dog’s fur.

OK, maybe that was just my family, but you see where I’m going with this. We still have a tribal urge to stand up for our own blood against the outsiders, and society makes it clear that a man who doesn’t stand up for mother/sister/siblings ain’t no man at all. So it’s easy to make the leap from the very noble idea of “You should be there for your family” to the very stupid idea that it’s your duty to pull them out of the shit every time they swan dive into it.

For instance, in school, it seemed like no matter where my brother went, some asshole bully would corner and beat the piss out of him without so much as a “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father … prepare to die.” When my dad would see his black eye, his first response would usually be to look at me and ask, “Where were you?” Not “What happened,” or “Did you deserve it?” It was just automatically expected of me to jump in and start throwing elbows when the drama of 8-year-olds got real.

And I did help out for a while. Until we got into high school and I found out that the reason he was getting his ass kicked so often was because he had a tendency to steal things and make passes at other guys’ girlfriends.

So at some point you have to give yourself permission to say “You got yourself into this. Good luck.” Hell, sometimes that’s what they need to hear anyway.

2. “You Have to Love Them!”

Why We Say It:

This one seems logical, doesn’t it? We have a physical, mental and bloodline connection with our relatives. As a sheer biological act of reproduction, we are a real-world branch of their genetic material, split off to form another version of themselves. We are literally a part of them … a continuation of the living meat that formed those before us. You have to love them because in many ways, you are them.

On an emotional scale, you’ve spent your entire life depending on them for survival. Not just mom and dad supplying the protection and sustenance, but brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles helping out with the emotional stability and companionship. How many people who have them are more open with their siblings than their parents? I’d say most. It’s much easier to ask your brother how he deals with getting a boner in class than to run that by your mom.

You have to love them because, aside from your own children, they are the closest emotional and physical connections you’re ever likely to have. You’re bound to your friends and spouse by choice. You’re bound to your relatives by life.

And if you feel nothing for them? If you don’t like talking to them or spending time with them? Well, that means you’re a selfish, feral dog-person. You’re the guy in the ’80s movie who’s destined for a midlife crisis and who’ll eventually find out that he’s wasted his life by neglecting his family.

When It’s Bullshit:

Part of the problem is that people don’t really know how to define “love” when it comes to family. They still think it’s about liking something a lot, and when they find they don’t like their family, they think they’ve failed somehow. But it is entirely possible to love someone without liking them. You can be there for your brother or uncle or whatever when they need you, even if you don’t enjoy their company at all. There’s no conflict there. You can fulfill your requirement to love your family without ever enjoying a single conversation you’ve had with them.

That’s because love isn’t just a feeling you get in your chest. It’s what you do that defines your love of another person. Calling your grandmother for no other reason than to find out how she’s doing. Putting your day on hold to fix a friend’s computer. Going on a double date with the ugly tag-along so your friend can get the hot one.

I have an entire group of uncles and cousins who annoy me to no end. I would rather punch myself in the face than do any of the things they enjoy, and they feel the same way about me. When a family reunion or a funeral rolls around, we still speak to each other. We’re not assholes, and we don’t hate each other. We just happen to not share a mutual love, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

So many people feel guilty when they don’t connect with certain family members. They don’t enjoy doing the same things, or share political beliefs, or practice the same religion. It’s easy to feel like something has gone wrong, like they’re “the black sheep,” failing at the one human relationship that society says is the most important. All because they think society’s “You must love your family no matter what” somehow means they are required to look forward to their long discussions about NASCAR. I think it’s a fucking tragedy that people are made to feel bad because of that.

1. “Respect Your Elders!”

Why We Say It:

Older people have more experience in virtually every facet of life. We’re constantly evolving as a society, and it’s the older people who helped place the top step that you’ll be standing on when you build the next one for your own children. Yes, some of you younger readers will complain that it’s the older generation that created X that led to Y. Those are the things your generation will be fixing to make the world grow even more, just as we did with our own parents. That’s the point.

We see our elderly as having wisdom. They worked their asses off to provide for us, and now they’re getting to the age where they can’t physically do it anymore. All the things we look forward to doing, they’ve already mastered and filed away. It’s hard to imagine your grandmother mastering things like blowjobs, but make no mistake, she did. And you have to respect her for that.

When It’s Bullshit:

Because the ones saying it are the elders. Not many people have heard a 14-year-old say “You know, we should all really respect our elders. I think I’m going to go home right now and do some respecting.” No, this is a phrase that older people say when they want younger people to shut their stupid face holes. Whether there’s truth to the phrase or not, when an older person says it, they really mean “Don’t you talk to me like that, you arrogant little prick. You don’t know jack shit.”

And just like with any blanket statement, it’s simply not true to say that all elderly are wise. There are far more dumbasses than geniuses in the world, and the odds are that your drunken grandfather isn’t one of the elite few. Unfortunately, “experience” does not always translate to “wisdom.” You have to remember that in many cases, older people (me included) will say things to overcompensate for our own mistakes, and when someone younger calls us on it, it’s incredibly hard for us to admit that fault and move on. Instead, we resort to “Respect your elders!”

Yes, it’s true that most older people will be able to give you advice on the basics of life: “Don’t put your dick in that acid. It’ll acid your dick off.” But no, not all of them can give useful advice on complex, delicate issues: “Just follow your heart. Life’s too short!” Yeah, thanks — that’s great advice. Eat shit, Grandma.

Now, am I telling you to disrespect your elders? No, that’s silly. Stop being silly, you fruity silly-ass. What I’m saying is that the social rule demanding that you automatically give respect based simply on a person’s age is outdated and ironically unwise. It was the generations above me that taught “Respect is earned; not given.” I agree. We have to follow that rule — and so should they.

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CAT – Protects You and Your Home From Ghosts and Negative Spirits!

Edited from Conscious Reminder

cat-protects

One of the Most Magical Animals on Earth

The aura of the cat is so big that includes not only the individual but also the family, home, and territory that the cat is committed to.

Therefore, we must understand that when a cat rubs against your legs, it’s not only that it’s trying to get some food from you, but it also means that the cat is sharing its magic with you, its astral force. The one who pushes the cat away at this moment saying “leave me alone, get out” simply blocks that positive energy the cat was trying to give him or her. Next time the cat won’t share its astral force field with you and, as a matter of fact, it may even take some of yours.

Cats don’t only protect the home from evil spirits entering it, but it also protects the house from negative energies that resided there even before the cat came to the house. This is especially useful if you move to a home that belonged to other people before or a house where bad things happened.

Evil Spirits and Ghosts

When a cat senses a spirit in the house, the first thing it does is follow it around in order to figure out its intentions. To make sure that this astral entity won’t threaten its territory, the cat makes every attempt possible to expel it through her energy field displacement. If that doesn’t work, the cat traps the entity in its energy field and leads it out of the house. Hence, in some traditions, there are motives when an evil spirit rides or flies on a cat.

So, pay close attention to your cat and notice whether it keeps returning to a certain spot in the house, keeping a tense posture, and obviously staring at something. Such a behavior can be a sign of an evil presence. To help your animal to get rid of any evil spirits, read a prayer over the spot or do a cleansing ritual.  If you don’t know any prayers or rituals, you can simply burn some White Sage – it’s a powerful way for getting rid of negative or stale energy.

The cat’s astral field is so strong that it can easily chase any negative entity away. For this reason, people who communicate with spirits don’t allow cats in the room where a seance is taking place . It can scare the astral beings. However, in some cases, the presence of cats during magic rituals is very encouraged.

Russians used to have a very interesting ritual: when moving to a new place of residence they first let a cat in the house. If the house is old, the cat takes care of all the unwanted negative energy – a remainder from the former owners. If the house is new, it demands “a ransom,” which represents a powerful energy charge that a cat can give.

Cat Healing

A great use of cats’ magical powers is found in healing. Cats of any breed and color have the ability to treat and may inadvertently treat their masters, lying on their sore spots. One of the easiest methods of treatment with the help of a cat – a simple stroking – releases people from mental and emotional stress. In healing, cats are used to improve vision too. To this end, some healers advise to pet the tail of a white cat.

In terms of psycho-emotional effects on humans, cats with congenital (not acquired!) main features of the body structure and facial (Scottish fold, Persians and Exotic, Bobtail, sphinxes, munchkins, Rex) have double magic powers!

Cat Color Determines Your Need

Those people who are going to use the magical properties of the animal need to know how to choose a cat. In some cases, you need a black cat, and in others, a red-haired cat. When choosing a cat for a magical procedure, it is very important to take their color into consideration.

  • Black: Witchcraft, occult powers, protection, deep magic. Despite all the superstitions, the beasts of color take negative energy, removed the trouble of households, grant wisdom and discernment.
  • Red (red) cats and cats: The classic witches’ moon, full of male power, the power of the sun, Yang energy. Regardless of the cat’s sex, the representatives of this color are the magic of wealth, money, focus.
  • Blue (gray, smoky gray): Cats of this color bring love, happiness, good luck, as well as emotional stability and sensual peace.
  • White: Cats and sorcerers create lunar magic and have powerful healing powers, give people a sense of beauty and admiration, relieve stress, give out healing and recharging energy. In America, they are considered a good omen.
  • Colorpoint (Siamese), the royal color! Cats with the color of diluted Siamese temples, jealously guarding the purity of the color. Cats of this color bring fame and success, longevity, help in the solar magic, Yan energy.
  • Calico (three-colored) – Cat supreme goddess. The classic three-color combination – white color varieties (maiden), red (parent: the mother and father), and deep black – color of magic! This color is associated with the triple goddess. Calico cats are good luck and on land and at sea, keep home and family from harm, bring happiness and prosperity.
  • Two-tone (black and white, orange-white, gray and white): According to legends, two-colored cats are the best mousers and very friendly. They allow the energy of wisdom, understanding, and common sense.
  • Tortoiseshell: Women’s magic, because this color pattern is inherited only by females. Children, pure magic, the giver of clairvoyance, healing.
  • Golden, golden brown (like the Abyssinian): Revered temple cat, playful, wise, regal, which bestows grace, helps to master age-old wisdom, solar magic.
  • Tabby (striped): Smiling Cheshire cat, which bestows good luck, light, cheerful attitude to a situation, even the most critical, energizing humor, and fun.

Words are potent weapons

What is said is said. When a word comes out of one’s mouth, I CONSIDER IT DONE.

I never say anything half-meant. If it is, then I’d rather not say it. My emotions at a certain moment do not necessarily have anything to do with what I say. Which means, you can never hear me tell you, “I only said that out of anger, but forget it, it wasn’t true after all.” NO. Whatever comes out of my mouth, IT’S FINAL.

I may choose to hold it, yes. I may have chosen not to let you hear it because I did not want to hurt you. I may have waited for an agitating moment or a bad fight to finally say it, but I WOULD NEVER TELL YOU THAT if it weren’t TRUE or MEANT FOR YOU.

I’ve been gullible since birth, and this has always been an issue in my interactions with people — whether family, lovers, friends, or colleagues. Whatever these people would say, whether in anger or in joy, I’d believe it 100% because I myself never let out anything that is not valid. So in turn, I treat every word I hear VALID.

I’d hear the usual rebuttals, and the worst that I’ve ever heard was “You hurt me, so I hurt you back.”

This came from my ex-lover when I had a chance to discuss with him point by point everything he blurted out on me during one big fight. I told him that, as for me, I STAND FIRM ON WHATEVER I SAID DURING THAT FIGHT. After all, they were just questions that needed clear answers. They were not insults. However, when asked where all he said came from, he only answered that “EVERYTHING WAS SAID OUT OF ANGER AND WERE NOT NECESSARILY TRUE”; he did not anymore think before opening his mouth because he needed to GET EVEN at that very moment. I ended up questioning this because everything I heard was so detailed and was enough to make me realize what concept he had of me from the very start.

Add to my ex, I’ve been hearing the same “I only said it out of anger” argument from my father all the time. And I hear this from so many other people, especially those who get so obvious when saying just anything to hurt you back, even to the level of nonsense.

Why say false things in order to hurt a person or just to get even? I may have let out SO MANY PAINFUL THINGS during a fight, but I’m 100% sure THESE WERE ALL TRUE and were just waiting for the right time to be said. And believe me, no matter how situations or relationships would get better, I would never take anything back. That works the same way with telling me something false that happened to hurt. No matter how one takes it back, THE DAMAGE HAS BEEN DONE.

“Jokes with a yoke” fall in the list, too, because I believe nothing would ever come out of one’s mouth without any basis – without prior thought, prior idea, or prior knowledge. So the popular answer, “no, that was nothing, forget it…,” is never welcome to me. It tics me off to the highest level. You said it, so (1) you complete it; (2) you tell me why; or (3) tell me what made you say that, tell me where that came from. No matter how it hurts, I need to hear it in full. I’d rather have it hurting me than have it left unsaid. Whatever it is, if it has concrete basis, if it is true, I’ll accept it.

Words are not born out of nowhere. Words are weapons, POTENT WEAPONS, and speech is power. It’s good to think a hundred times before saying anything.

Remember, it is always a shame to take it back.

The joy of independence

This year marks my 10th year as a totally independent guy. Quite late, I know. I only got out of my comfort zone, which was my parents’ home back in the province, at age 26. This I did after a long day-to-day contemplation regarding the struggles I had in such a conventional, narrow-minded community and, worse, in an old-school home environment run by no less than my father.

I finished school at the age of 19 and started working plainly a month after graduation. Unfortunate as it was, my first employment was in that state university where my parents were key people. So instead of employment liberating me, it even required me to readjust to an environment where I had to see my Dad’s face everyday (I used to be half-independent during college; I was away from home).

The 6 years of stay in my parents’ home, I can say, was really more of pain than glory. I was with a father who thought he could control everything, even my thinking, and with a mother who was luckily in my line of thinking and in the same boat with me but, unfortunately, could not do anything, and who just gave her support (emotional, financial, etc) to me UNDER THE TABLE (literally).

But the fighter that I was, I still managed to survive in that house. Within those years, I let my Dad realize that having me at home as a “grown-up working professional” and having me before “as a kid” were two entirely different things. There was constant action and drama, PLUS ENDLESS ACCUSATIONS OF DISRESPECT, but I didn’t damn care, and at the time I left, I could say I had taught him half the lesson.

Still I left, because I got fed up trying to plant in an old-school mind even just the smallest seeds of RESPECT – for one’s existence, for one’s space, and worse, for letting live. Worst reason — the house all of us were staying in was actually company property; anybody who worked there was entitled to rent it. Simply put, the three of us had EQUAL RIGHTS to live in that house because we were all employed there. So what made my dad think it was HIS home? And what made him behave as if he was “KING” and my mom and I were his “SUBJECTS,” when all three of us were equally contributing to the household expenses and, left alone by himself, he could not even afford to sustain us? Just what gave him that stupid sense of ENTITLEMENT?

The ultimate solution: LEAVE! And so I did.

Going back, honestly, this thing about old-school mentality is very difficult to explain. Although it may be known to anybody, I am not also sure if everybody hates it. Oh well, I’m quite sure I hate it, and I curse it on top of my lungs. Yes, I am willing to shout out all curses I know when this topic comes up, as I really DESPISE such way of thinking.

In as much as I hated my dad for it, the same was also true with my aunt in the USA who considers me no less than her own child (that’s according to her). She is somebody who thinks even WORSE, and this is because of her fanaticism of that rotten catholic religion. She would impose a regimented life on anybody who stays in her house — fixed time for six meals a day, definite days and time for those stupid mass services, and worst of all, going to CONFESSION – WTF, DO NOT IMPOSE THAT ON ME OR HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE, idiot!. Call me names — evil, disrespectful, impolite, liberated, whore, bitch — the hell I care.

Where do these people get the nerve TO CONTROL MY LIFE WHENEVER I AM IN THEIR HOMES? Don’t they realize that it only pisses me off all the more and everything IS TO THEIR DISADVANTAGE? Is it really too difficult to realize (moreso, RESPECT) that this certain person is OLD ENOUGH, is LEADING A GOOD LIFE, has PROVEN HIS WORTH, and has FULL CAPACITY TO BE SUSTAINING HIMSELF? After all, I never lacked in concern for these people and in extending necessary help, need be! Why treat a grown-up professional, who has his own thinking, as a STUPID OR DUMB KID? Do THESE PEOPLE really ITCH TO EXERCISE FALSE AUTHORITY, and virtually DIE if they cannot? Is it really very difficult to differentiate between when you can be in control and when you should respect that this person HAS A LIFE?

Difficult as it is to burn ass everyday to sustain your daily needs and your “decent” lifestyle, the joy comes with seeing yourself NOT DEPENDING ON ANYBODY. Now that was why I chose to be independent and to live in the metropolis. The fulfillment is there; it is living my life without nobody watching — if i feel like going out, staying home, eating only twice a day, not having dinner, not having breakfast, eating six times a day, working graveyard shift today, working day shift tomorrow, going home in the morning today, going home in the evening the next day, not sleeping today, sleeping off my whole free day, sleeping at daytime, sleeping in someone else’s house, drinking at a friend’s house, fucking my guy in my house, or fucking anyone anywhere, I CAN DO IT.

After all (thanks to Mom), I am educated (and oh, thanks to that 6-year work experience back home, no matter how full of shit) and experienced enough to EARN MY OWN BREAD and to LIVE MY OWN LIFE. So why fuck’n subject myself to some OLD-SCHOOL WAY OF LIFE and to some FALSE AUTHORITY?

I HATE AUTHORITY. Especially FALSE AUTHORITY. I don’t need it, and I’m too SMART for it. The approach NEVER WORKS FOR ME, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE. I can be completely independent and a nonconformist to EVERYTHING — religion, familism, politics, value systems, cultures, etc. Hence, I will do what i want to do, according to what I BELIEVE is right (i mean, it may not be right for those conventional, old-school, dumb and stupid fanatics and/or idiots, but who fuck’n cares?). I’m old enough to know what is right, and I believe I’m learned, exposed, and SMART enough to practice it and to manage my life to my comfort and taste. Lest I forget, I’m GAY and proud of it, so I always say, IF OLD-SCHOOL THINKING SPELLS MASCULINITY, then by all means, LET ME BE GAY!

I DON’T NEED ANYBODY TO FINANCE ME TO LIVE and, thus, be held in the neck and pulled by the tail. I can do it myself. I can pay for my own home, food, and luxury. Should I get in DEEP SHIT, these people DO NOT NEED TO KNOW. I can get out of that SHIT myself. I CAN LIVE. My life can be simple, but happy and FREE.

So JUST LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MY BIG FAT ASS AND LET ME GET A LIFE!!!

I WILL NOT ALLOW ANYBODY NOR ANYTHING TO TAKE MY INDEPENDENCE AWAY FROM ME. I’LL WORK FOR IT, FIGHT FOR IT, and KILL FOR IT!

FUCK ’em ALL. FUCK THE BIBLE, FUCK OLD SCHOOL!

HAIL SATAN!!!